Trump Puts on Pants and Attends Dinner Without Screaming Obscenities, Press Gives Standing Ovation

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It’s been over two years since Donald J. Trump was elected president of our great nation. Somehow, two years of inexplicably mangled statements, cruel and inhumane policies, White House “executive time,” and endless staff changes have still not convinced the media that Trump is just a shitty, incompetent asshole who is never going to change. No, the press still jumps at every chance to hope that maybe, this time, he’ll be different.

In this vein, a piece by Jonathan Allen published today at NBC asks: “What’s driving the toned-down Trump?”

This headline already assumes too much—that because Trump has had several days without any civilization-imperiling outbursts or horrific policies announced, somehow, he has “toned down” his behavior, and maybe even turned a corner!


The article begins:

Don’t call it a pivot. Not yet. Maybe it’s just a blip.

But, for the moment, even some of President Donald Trump’s toughest critics are taking note of a shift in his behavior — from reliably disruptive to seemingly disciplined.


So, who are these “tough critics” ?

“He’s pitching a great game right now,” said Sean Spicer, Trump’s former White House communications director. “The last six, seven, eight days have been the best string of days in his administration.”


Ah yes, Sean Spicer, that hard-nosed critic of Trump who spent every day during his tenure as Press Secretary sputtering, flailing, and begging to not be fired.

Allen notes that Trump was commended by former Obama national security advisor Susan Rice in the New York Times for, uh, not completely fucking up the G-20 summit. The headline on Rice’s piece was literally: “News Flash: No Major Damage Done at G-20!”


Great job, dude!

The only other person quoted by Allen is Michael Caputo, another “tough critic” known for, uh, working on Trump’s 2016 campaign.

“He’s governing and acting with more confidence in his own operation — because the president has never lacked confidence in himself,” said Michael Caputo, who worked on Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign. “He’s more confident in the advice he’s getting.”


Uh, what? That statement is completely fucking meaningless!

Allen does concede some ways in which the newer, cuddlier Trump is continuing to wreak havoc: he mentions Trump’s tweets from Monday about Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, which initiated a new round of furious #resistance speculation about obstruction of justice. He also describes how Trump has also spent the last few days promising he’s secured a “deal” with China, the details of which even his own aides can’t get straight. 


But those aren’t the only foibles the New Trump has displayed this week. He’s also passive-aggressively promised to hold off on a G-20 press conference out of “respect” for George H.W. Bush’s death. And though the president and first lady are going to Bush’s funeral, Trump had to be assured that no one there would be mean to him first.

Allen’s piece is a prime example of how co-dependent and emotionally abusive Trump’s relationship with the mainstream political press has become. The president has managed to lower the standards for his office so much that merely turning up to a funeral without screaming at anyone, or attending a normal state dinner without shitting his pants, counts as “disciplined behavior,” inspiring this kind of pathetic, pleading journalism. Maybe he’s changed! Maybe this is the beginning of a new, kinder Trump, a Trump who will restore order and civility. Please, god, let it be true!


Sorry, Jonathan Allen, but our very cool and very legal president is never, ever going to change.