Trump Set to Strike New Tone in Inspiring State of the Union Just Kidding It's Gonna Suck

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On Friday afternoon, the American public got its first taste of President Donald Trump’s upcoming State of the Union address. And folks, allow me to say: What the hell is he talking about?


In a short excerpt from the speech provided to reporters, the White House says the speech will be titled, “Choosing Greatness” (“Ahh,” the non-great people out there must be saying to themselves. “Why didn’t we choose to be great, instead of not-great??”) and will feature the following sequence of meaningless platitudes:

Together we can break decades of political stalemate, we can bridge old divisions, heal old wounds build new coalitions, forge new solutions and unlock the extraordinary promise of America’s future. The decision is ours to make.

As anyone who has listened to a word that Trump has said over the past three years likely knows, this is all complete bullshit. Still, the president is evidently going to work toward a “bipartisan, optimistic” tone in his speech, according to senior administration official.

Apropos of nothing, here’s something Trump tweeted out just one day ago:

Trump’s speech will reportedly focus on five broad subjects:


Trump is also reportedly planning to condemn a woman’s right to choose during the speech, although it’s unclear how that would fit into the above categories. Maybe in “lowering cost of healthcare” by ensuring half of the population doesn’t have access to it?

Of course, this is Donald Trump we’re talking about here, and it’s totally possible that the president will go off-script entirely. Instead, Trump might very well just end up spending his time at the House dais alternating between terrifying, off-the-cuff rants and moments of adolescent idiocy.


I’m not sure if the possibility of an ad-libbed SOTU is enough to make you want to tune in, but if you must, the State of the Union is scheduled for February 5, at 9 p.m. ET.

Senior writer. When in doubt he'll have the soup.