Photo: Getty

After remaining exceedingly tight-lipped about allegations that he had an affair with the porn actress Stormy Daniels and later bought her silence through his lawyer, Donald Trump suddenly had a lot to say about the matter Thursday morning on Twitter.

His statements directly conflict with his earlier insistence that he knew nothing about the Daniels payment.

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All this legal language definitely sounds like it was drafted by our articulate president himself!

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(Insert a meditative pause here to consider the phrase “celebrities and people of wealth,” two overlapping circles in which Trump certainly counts himself a member.)

OK, so misspelling “role” does sound like him.

This is a very interesting argument to make! Trump seems to be claiming that no, he definitely did NOT have an affair with Daniels (whose real name is Stephanie Clifford) but she wouldn’t stop telling people that they did. Odd behavior! So what was a person “of wealth” to do in this situation but pay Daniels $130,000 on the condition that she’d sign a non-disclosure agreement and shut up?

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This also seems to be an implication of what Trump is saying, which should be like catnip to the PEE TAPE REAL crowd (me):

Meanwhile, ever on-message, the second-newest member of Trump’s personal legal team was on Fox & Friends, making the whole scandal sound very much related to the 2016 campaign.

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None of this messaging matches up or seems to fit together. Someone—or perhaps everyone—is lying! At least try lying smarter.