Trump Will NOT Lose to Sleeping Man

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It must be nice to be President Donald Trump, and live your life totally unencumbered by things like “math” and “reality”—both of which seem to be working decidedly against him at the moment, according to a new poll from Fox News, which shows the president trailing Democratic front runner Joe Biden by a decisive 10-point margin.


Trump, mustering all the collective brainpower his tens of neurons can offer, is not happy. Fox News? Losing? How can this be? So, of course, he did what he does best in situations like this: He tweeted some garbled bullshit.

Losing to the Sleepy One? Impossible, for he is asleep, while Trump is not asleep. How can he be sleeping, and also winning? Clearly it is the nefarious cabal of anti-Trumpers—at, uh, Fox News—who are wrong.

Enter Fox News anchor Julie Bandaras, who took upon herself the cursed duty of correcting the President of the United State’s inability to comprehend numbers.

Dangerous stuff, Julie. Careful, or Trump might do something drastic like temporarily change the channel.

Senior writer. When in doubt he'll have the soup.