If there's been one concern in the minds of the American electorate about Donald Trump, it's this: Is he healthy?
Pre-emptively addressing those concerns, the Trump campaign released a letter signed by Trump's personal physician saying that the Republican presidential candidate is a perfect human specimen with no detectable human flaws.
Some noteworthy facts about Donald Trump's health, according to Dr. Harold N. Bornstein:
- He has been Trump's doctor since 1980, and has been monitoring his health for 39 years. This means he either is writing this letter from the year 2019, or began to monitor Trump's health four years before he became the man's doctor.
- Trump's most recent physical returned only positive results. Bornstein probably meant positive as in good, and not positive as in test results positive.
- Trump has lost 15 pounds in the last 12 months, proving the effectiveness of the "yell stuff into a microphone" diet.
- His physical strength and stamina are excellent. "His physical strength and stamina are excellent," writes Bornstein.
- The man has no history of using alcohol or tobacco products. Trump has been publicly teetotal for some time, although there is some evidence to the contrary.
- He will, unequivocally, be the healthiest person ever elected president. That would be quite a feat considering, at 69 years old, he would be the oldest person ever elected president.
The aggressive and bombastic tone of the letter sounds familiar—maybe a little too familiar. If nothing else, it's nice to know that Trump has found a doctor who so perfectly matches his own style. And maybe can time travel.