Photo: Evan Vucci (AP)

With his self-imposed government shutdown now poised to become the longest in U.S. history, President Donald Trump spent his afternoon in the border city of McAllen, TX, for an obvious bit of political theatrics aimed at advocating for his big, beautiful wall.

There, surrounded by politicians and law enforcement officials, the president rambled on and on and on about Democrats and wheels and the fake news media before he graciously gave everyone else the opportunity to tell him how good and big and strong he is. The whole thing was, to put it mildly: A mess.

Seated in front of a huge gun, pounds of meth, and a giant bag full of cash (more on all that later) Trump insisted that criticism of his immigration policy was a coordinated effort across multiple TV stations and media outlets, offering this deep insight in the face of allegations that the government shutdown was a manufactured crisis: “What is manufactured,” Trump insisted, “is the use of the word manufactured.”

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Damn, wise.

The president also went back to his new favorite dead horse to beat, and insisted that his proposed border wall would be effective because it was medieval—just like the wheel.

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“I look and every single car out there—even the really expensive ones that the Secret Service uses, and believe me, they are expensive—I said, ‘Do they all have wheels?’ Yes. ‘Oh, I thought it was medieval,’” Trump rambled.

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“The wheel is older than the wall, did you know that?” he added, evidently unaware that walls predate the wheel by many thousands of years.

The president also reiterated his patently bogus claim that he never called for Mexico to pay for his proposed border wall with a single lump payment. In fact, during the 2016 campaign, Trump specifically told the Washington Post that Mexico should make a “one-time payment of $5-10 billion” for the wall.

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The president then sat and listened as Customs and Border Protection agents explained the arsenal of weapons and Iggy Pop-level of drugs arrayed before them. In doing so, however, the CBP officials accidentally undercut one of the president’s main arguments for his wall: That drugs and weapons are coming across un-policed sections of the border.

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As was noted over and over again over the course of the presentation, ever single item on display before the president was in fact seized by border patrol at lawful ports of entry. At one point, a CBP agent made a point of describing a point along the border where there already is a wall, prompting smugglers to (surprise surprise) tunnel their way into the United States—something the Trump administration and its defenders have routinely mocked.

Wrapping things up, the president insisted that he’s optimistic about efforts to reopen the government despite the fact that he and Democrats appear farther than ever in their negotiations. “I know you don’t see it, but I feel about things,” Trump said. “I think the other side is about to get it.” Yes, that’s right. Trump actually said “I feel about things.”

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If you truly hate yourself, you can watch the whole abysmal production below: