Screenshot: CassandraRules (Periscope)

As someone who writes for a living, please believe me when I say that there are no words to accurately describe the subterranean depths of stupidity plumbed by conservative conspiracy crackpot Jack Burkman and mulch-brained “wunderkind” Jacob Wohl during their circus of a press conference on Thursday afternoon, where they promised a bombshell report claiming Special Counsel Robert Mueller had raped a woman in late 2010.

It’s hard to know where to begin, but let’s start with this: Before the conference even began, Wohl and Burkman’s allegations were shown to be a total scam set up to smear Mueller as he investigates Russian interference in the 2016 election. (Don’t worry, the FBI is investigating the whole thing.)

Not that being outed as complete phonies was going to stop Wohl and Burkman from plowing ahead with what will likely be referred to as “Exhibit A” at their eventual federal trial. Instead, the pair bravely soldiered on in the name of truth, justice, and—above all else—self-promotion.

Here, for what it’s worth, are the allegations that were presented to the press by Wohl and Burkman in a generic-looking room at the Holiday Inn in Rosslyn, VA.

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The date and location of the alleged incident—August 2, 2010, in New York City—is important, since Robert Mueller was actually in Washington, D.C. serving jury duty on that day. Not to fear, though: Wohl had a response prepared for that.

Wohl, who insisted his “default is not to believe women,” stammered through much of the conference, spending more time complaining about people making fun of him online than he did actually presenting a credible case for the allegations he was supposed to be announcing. Nevertheless, Burkman—whose fly happened to be down during this extremely important and serious event—insisted on calling the 20-year-old Wohl “a child prodigy who has eclipsed Mozart.”

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Oh, and did I mention their key presenter—the woman who was prepared to publicly claim she’d been raped by Mueller—was a complete no-show? Had she been there, however, she would have heard a skeptical-to-the-point-of-mockery cadre of reporters ask Burkman and Wohl questions about if they were prepared for their FBI investigation, and why Wohl’s obviously fake website was, well, obviously fake.

Suffice it to say, it’s worth watching the whole thing here, if only to marvel at how this could possibly be real life rather than an episode of In the Thick Of It or just some horrible fever dream.