Universal Truths About Parents You Learn as an Adult

PARENTS! They gave us life, assuming we’re not robots or aliens with the ability to give birth to one’s self! And parents are usually fantastic, unless they are not. I mean, they’re humans, technically, just like you and I, allegedly. They have flaws and, if you’re fortunate, you only begin to notice these once you phase out of childhood and into a post-childhood stupor.

There are certainly things you will realize about your parents as you become older:

Your mom will always rearrange your things.

I recently moved from New York City to a series of neighborhoods and avocado trees known as “Los Angeles,” and my parents are in town to visit and judge my life choices. Within the first few minutes of their visit, my mother had rearranged my apartment and drawn three (3) blueprints incorporating new furniture she would like me to purchase.

I Tweeted about this, because I am a person my age, and apparently a lot of people are in the exact same boat, mom-wise:

It is a truth universal that this will never stop, no matter how old we get. Also, honestly? Your mom is probably right. That chair does look better on the other side of the room.

Damn it.

Your dad will never love what you’re wearing.

Your mom will send you boxes of things she found at T.J. Maxx and thought were super cute, and your dad will hate all of it. He’s also not too sure about your haircut, the amount of makeup you wear (see: above), or that tattoo you got on Friday the 13th that turned out really wonky and we’re not going to talk about it anymore.

It’s not, like, a sexist thing. At least, not completely. Even if you’re a dude, your dad will look at you and all he’ll see is a degenerate clown. There’s no pleasing dad. Sometimes he’s totally right — most of the time, you definitely do look like a degenerate clown or, in my case, a half-drowned drag queen — and sometimes he’s wrong because he’s a dad and he wears pleat-front chinos and windbreakers and cracks terrible jokes at waiters. What does he know? I mean, he knows a lot. But he doesn’t always know stuff about clothes, so. Grain of salt.

Your parents placed an evil curse on you that will make you turn into them over time.

This curse is called genetics and you can’t escape it. You’ll find yourself hearing a low roar and feel your heart sink into your lower intestine every time you do things like, say, yell “you’re welcome” at people who don’t say thank you when you hold open the door. You’re turning into your mom and/or dad and you can’t do anything about it.

You still need your parents.

It’s ok. You’re a capable adult. I mean, I don’t know you, but you managed to turn on a computer to read this, so at least you have that going for you. You probably handle lots of things on your own: Rent, a job, bills, taxes, some sort of embarrassing league with a punny name made up of grown folks wearing matching t-shirts. But sometimes, you still have questions. You still need support. You could still use some advice from people who have been through it and who love you. You still need your parents, and that’s perfectly alright. They don’t stop being your parents once you leave their home. Maybe you need to ask them how to change a tire or use a plunger or load a dishwasher without swimming in bubbles. Maybe you feel lonely. Maybe the choices you’re making as a young adult feel overwhelming. Maybe you feel scared. That’s fine. Call them up and ask them how to deal with it. They’re here for you.

Your parents still need you.

You’ll always be their baby. Their baby who needs her furniture rearranged and who maybe wears too much eyeliner.