Useless Republican Group Killing Untold Forests Handing Out the Mueller Report

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Given the reaction to Robert Mueller’s press conference on Wednesday, it shouldn’t exactly come as a surprise that most members of Congress have not read the former special counsel’s report. That’s not for a lack of access, however; you can download the whole damn thing for free from the Department of Justice website, or if you’re a gullible idiot, you can buy it for real American dollars.


One conservative anti-Trump group, however, apparently thinks that congressional Republicans simply need to be spoon-fed the report in order to come around to the position that the president did some crimes. Republicans for the Rule of Law, whose name is extremely funny to me, announced on Thursday that it would hand-deliver copies of the report to every Republican member of Congress, complete with highlighted sections.

The group also posted a video on YouTube with former Republican federal prosecutors saying Trump obstructed justice:

“The rule of law has always been a nonnegotiable principle of the conservative movement and the Republican Party,” Chris Traux, the group’s spokesman, told the Hill. “These veterans of the Reagan and Bush Administrations are reminding us that the law applies the same to everyone — even the president. Republicans and all Americans need to listen.”

First of all, the word “conserve” is in the word “conservative.” How about conserving some goddamn trees maybe??? Thank you.

Second, this is wishful thinking. Jim Jordan didn’t read the Mueller report not because he’s bad at reading or seeking out information. It’s because he simply doesn’t care what’s in it. Republicans are also not going to be shamed into doing good or right things just because a bunch of old prosecutors who also happen to be Republicans said they should. The whole “I’m one of you, so you should listen to me” dynamic doesn’t tend to work on the kind of person who thinks they’re surrounded at all times by collectivists who want to follow up single-payer and free college with re-education camps.


Here’s how this is going to go: the reports are going to be hand-delivered on Monday, they’re going to get a bunch of retweets from people like Chris Coons who congratulate them for placing country above party, and a bunch of MAGA dipshits will tweet about how they’re losers and secret Demmycraps. And by Tuesday, everyone’s going to forget this ever happened.

News editor, Splinter