Wanted: 1 Olympic Athlete to Scale Trump's Ridiculous Border Wall

Photo: Sandy Huffaker (Getty)

Christmas morning is a time when a lot of people open presents, sleep off hangovers, or just kind of go about their business as usual since Hanukkah ended more than a week ago (Hi Mom). For President Donald Trump, however, this Christmas was a time to reflect on what truly matters most to him in this world: Wall.

Speaking with reporters on Tuesday, Trump waxed philosophical about Wall (or is it “steel slats”?) and why it would be so special—namely, because it would be very tall, and only accessible to world class athletes.

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Take it away Mr. President:

Now, there may be the case of an Olympic champion who can get over the wall, but for the most part, you’re not able to do it. Very high, it’s going to be 30 feet, much of it is 30 feet high, some of it’s lower. In some areas we have it as high as 30 feet. That’s as high as a three-story building.

Presumably, Trump is talking about Olympic pole vaulting (current record: 20 feet, 2.5 inches) or high jumping (current record: 8 feet, 0.45 inches) but, honestly, who’s to say what goes on in that soggy biscuit brain of his? Maybe he’s imagining ski jumpers soaring through the sky, or biathletes racing full steam ahead, guns a’blazing.

He’s probably not thinking of Indonesian champion speed climber Aries Susanti Rahayu, who competes in a full head scarf.

In any case: Are you or is someone you know an Olympic champion? Please describe how you would scale the president’s imaginary wall in the comments below.

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About the author

Rafi Schwartz

Senior writer. When in doubt he'll have the soup.