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Madonna, also known as the white Kanye West, says she considers herself a "closet comedian." Because Jimmy Fallon is a textbook enabler, he invited the legendary entertainer to perform her first-ever standup set on The Tonight Show last night. It went… okay?

Madonna's delivery isn't terrible; she's confident but rambling. She actually starts off pretty strong: "I just always think that it's good to talk about what you know… so I'm going to start with dating younger men."

From there, it gets weird. Madonna — whose net worth is an estimated $800 million — repeatedly brings up the insanely valuable art she owns ("I'm not bragging," she declares more than once), mostly to illustrate how stupid her twentysomething boyfriends are. Of the "many" Warhol paintings on display in her home, one asks, "Did you know the guy?" Of the Picasso hanging over her fireplace, another asks, "He painted the Mona Lisa, didn't he?" Comedy!

It's a little like watching Lucille Bluth perform an extended bit about how bananas cost $10 apiece. Here's Madonna's full five minutes, in case you're in the mood for a wealthier-than-thou art history lesson:

Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.