We Don't Talk Enough About How These Movies Were Ever Approved To Be Made

It is truly shocking that the following five movies were even conceived in the first place. Some person sat down and wrote the story thinking “Hey! Wouldn’t that Austrian actor, the big muscly one, be great in this movie about a pregnant man??” No. He would not.

Then these absurd scripts somehow passed a presumably complex process during which several college educated grown men read them, and they were STILL approved to be made by a studio… and actors lined up.

These movies make no sense, and we really don’t talk enough about how they ever came to be. Here are the moves we need to revisit and think long and hard about the fact that they were ever approved to be made.

1. Junior

A male scientist undergoes pregnancy as part of a scientific experiment. This scientist is naturally played by Arnold Schwarzenegger who says funny things like, “My nipples are very sensitive.”

But he’s not the only comedic relief in this confusing children’s flick. Schwarzenegger’s sidekick is played by Danny DeVito who delivers great lines like, “Guys do not have babies! It’s part of the beauty of being a guy!” #sexist.

WWJS — What would Jezebel say?

2. Tiptoes

First, watch this trailer.

Now, say it with us, WTF.

Gary Oldman plays a little person. Matthew McConaughey plays his brother. Kate Beckinsale gets pregnant with Matthew’s baby but then freaks out that she’ll have a little person for a child. But it’s all OK in the end because she falls in love with Gary Oldman who, remember, is a little person.

But what happens to Matthew?

Tosh did the best spoiler recap of TipToes. You can check out the uncut 43 minute version here. It’s worth it.

3. Deep Blue Sea

Picture this, there’s a research center in the middle of the ocean where scientists genetically alter sharks’ brains to make them larger so that they can extract tissue from it as a cure for Alzheimer’s.

But jokes on the scientists because now they’ve increased these sharks’ brain sizes, making them geniuses, and they’re coming up with super intricate ways to eat everybody.

The best scene is probably when one of the professors gets bitten by a shark so they call in a helicopter to take him back to land safely. Nice try humans. It’s obviously storming and the chopper can’t make a clear landing, so they throw down a rope to tie to the stretcher the professor is lying on. The winch holding the rope breaks FOR NO REASON on its way up, dropping the professor into the shark infested waters — still attached to the helicopter by the rope. But that’s not all. The sharks grab onto the professor and proceed to pull him, and by doing so pull the entire helicopter, into the command center, blowing both the chopper and center up.

In case you want to see all the shark deaths — the masochist in me did — this creepy YouTuber slowed down all the death scenes and plays them backward AND forward for your viewing pleasure here.

4. Juwanna Mann

There’s no way to write about this film’s synopsis without imagining the pitch meeting.

Pitch: Picture this, a tall, very obvious looking man dresses up as a woman to save his ass.

Executives: I think we’ve seen this one before. (Tootsie, Sorority Boys, Hot Chicks, Mrs. Doubtfire, Big Momma’s House)

Pitch: Yeah, but in this one the guy falls in love with a woman while dressed as a woman, learning that love is more than skin deep.

Executives: Yup. Definitely seen it before.

Pitch: Ok, but what if he’s a basketball star who is suspended for his behavior and has no other skills and the only way he can play professional basketball again is to join the women’s league?

Executive: Hmm. How would we show his transition besides sticking a wig on this guy? Do we have the women’s league ask for his birth certificate or any form of identification before accepting him?

Pitch: Nope.

Executive: Love it. Title ideas?

Pitch: Juwanna Mann.

Executive: Done.

5. The Forgotten

This is one of those movies that were very obviously edited by an intern. The sequences don’t make sense and there’s at least 37 plot gaps.

What looks like a really cool trailer of a predictable Julianne Moore story line is a complete tease and false advertisement.

Here’s why it’s on this list. It’s a spoiler.

Are you ready?

Aliens took the kid.

This had the potential to be one of those movies you talk about for hours at Johnny Rockets after leaving the theater debating if that secret society that took the kid really existed? Or what if that mental illness Moore had really happened to our parents and all their memories of us were erased?

There were a million ways to make this movie cool, but they copped out by choosing aliens, which is the easiest way to end a film and not explain ANYTHING.

Audience member #1: But what happened to the kid?

Audience member #2: Aliens.

Audience member #1: But how were all the books blank magically?

Audience member #2: Aliens.

Audience member #1: Why did I just spend $14 to see this movie?

Audience member #2: Aliens.

Alexandra DiPalma is a producer for Fusion Lightworks, Fusion’s In-house Branded Content Agency.

Romina Puga is a pop culture reporter and producer for Fusion. You can find her on “Fusion Now,” Fusion’s daily TV updates, going over new movies, music, apps, and why D’Angelo is still sexy.