The American people have a lot of burning questions about the candidates running for president in 2016. And when they need answers, they don't go to some silly town hall meeting or cramped campaign rally. No: They ask Google.
So, to capture the truest possible picture of the 2016 nominees, I wrote mini-biographies of each candidate in both parties, using only information gleaned from Google Autocomplete.
I typed the name of each candidate into Google, followed by one of the 15 most common verbs in English. Then, I compiled the sentences that popped up in the suggestion bar into mini-biographies. Together, they form a rough composite of the world's thoughts, hopes, and fears about these candidates.
Donald Trump is a Democrat, a liberal, and a hero.
Donald Trump is the president America deserves: Donald Trump likes trucks; Donald Trump likes China; Donald Trump has real hair.
Donald Trump doesn’t sleep. Donald Trump has info on President Obama.
Donald Trump knows nothing; Donald Trump came from nothing. Donald Trump uses feng shui.
Donald Trump is the best. Donald Trump looks like Mussolini.
Donald Trump thinks his daughter is hot. Donald Trump wants to be president.
Hillary Clinton is the best candidate. Hillary Clinton is a Democrat, and a corporatist. Hillary Clinton likes Al Jazeera.
Hillary Clinton is winning. Hillary Clinton does not sweat. Hillary Clinton takes money from Wall Street.
Hillary Clinton is sick. Hillary Clinton did the nae nae.
Hillary Clinton went big on immigration; Hillary Clinton went off on a student. Hillary Clinton has no personality.
“Sorry,” Hillary Clinton says.
Hillary Clinton wants to raise taxes. Hillary Clinton wants an all homosexual army. Hillary Clinton wants to change the bill of rights.
Hillary Clinton went unnoticed at Chipotle. Hillary Clinton has already won.
Bernie Sanders is a radical, and a hero, and a draft dodger. Bernie Sanders is awesome.
Bernie Sanders went after Monsanto. Bernie Sanders went off on Alan Greenspan. Bernie Sanders wants to ban guns.
Bernie Sanders looks like Colonel Sanders. Bernie Sanders made anime real.
Bernie Sanders has a chance; Bernie Sanders has a shot. Bernie Sanders is the president we need. Bernie Sanders is going to win. Bernie Sanders is the new Ron Paul.
Ted Cruz is Canadian. Ted Cruz is a robot.
Ted Cruz is the Zodiac killer. Ted Cruz is The Penguin.
Ted Cruz does not speak Spanish; Ted Cruz did not shut down the government; Ted Cruz did not know he was Canadian; Ted Cruz has no health insurance.
Ted Cruz made DC listen. Ted Cruz went after Trump; Ted Cruz got no applause. Ted Cruz thinks he’s Jay Leno.
Ted Cruz thinks you're stupid: Ted Cruz wants to abolish the IRS; Ted Cruz wants to fight Obama; Ted Cruz wants to sell the national parks.
Ted Cruz does not qualify to be president. Ted Cruz was made in Canada.
Marco Rubio is awesome. Marco Rubio is not a conservative; Marco Rubio is an empty suit. Marco Rubio drinks water.
Marco Rubio has a twin. Marco Rubio knows Tupac. Marco Rubio likes EDM. Marco Rubio gets a drink of water.
Marco Rubio makes fun of himself. Marco Rubio takes a drink of water.
Marco Rubio got Obamacare. Marco Rubio has Obamacare. Marco Rubio uses Obamacare.
Marco Rubio needs a drink of water.
John Kasich is a Democrat. John Kasich is too liberal.
How tall is John Kasich?
Ben Carson is awesome. Ben Carson is the best. Ben Carson is a vegetarian. Is Ben Carson still alive?
Ben Carson has a chance. Ben Carson has my vote. Ben Carson has weird ideas. Ben Carson has how many siblings?
Ben Carson is a good man. Ben Carson wants to eliminate medicare. Ben Carson does not believe in global warming. Ben Carson took out half a brain.
Ben Carson looks tired.