When at long last you and your sweetheart become Facebook Official, it's hard to imagine that anything could ever possibly come between you. So you go about posting goofy photos, liking each other's statuses, tagging each other on Instagram, hearting each other's tweets, blissfully unaware that things may be about to go horribly, horribly wrong. When it all falls apart in the real world, you're faced with their face all over your online home. It sucks.
A suggested alternative: simplify your digital divorce with a pre-commitment social media prenuptial agreement and make sure an ex never posts an ugly photo of you to Instagram ever again!
Below, find our suggested social media prenup. It's a Genius embed, so feel free to highlight the parts you want to change, and annotate our version with advice of your own.
💔 💔 💔
THIS PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT (the “Agreement) MADE ON THIS ___ day of _______, 2016
- AND -
in the State of California.
- This Agreement is made between _____________________ and _____________________ (collectively the “Parties” and individually a “Party”) who have either already entered or are contemplating entering a Relationship with each other.
- The Parties intend for this Agreement to become effective upon the first posting of a couple’s selfie to Instagram or any other Social Media, or the official change of ‘relationship’ status on Facebook, whichever comes first.
- Social Media includes, but is not limited to, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, LINE, Tinder, Peach and Friendster.
- The Parties wish to enter into this Agreement to protect and provide for their Online Reputation.
- The Parties acknowledge that this Agreement will continue upon termination of the Relationship whether by death, breakup or otherwise just realizing that the person you’ve been dating is actually a huge asshole.
NOW THEREFORE in consideration of the Relationship, and the mutual promises and covenants contained in this Agreement, the Parties agree as follows:
- The Parties are forbidden from posting unflattering images of each other on Social Media. The definition of “unflattering” is at the discretion of the Party in question. It includes intimate images (a.k.a 'revenge porn') and photos of either Party in swimsuits from that period after the Parties had been dating awhile and had both put on several pounds.
- The Parties also consent to give each other Instagram Filter Approval for any images related to the Relationship posted after its dissolution. Images posted with the filter X-Pro II are expressly forbidden.
- The Parties are forbidden from posting defamatory statements or calling into question one’s reputation (i.e. by sharing on Twitter that one Party listens exclusively to Blink 182). You might forget, but the Internet doesn’t.
- The Parties are granted the right to request that the other Party remove images, text, or other posts from Social Media after the dissolution of the Relationship. This includes intimate images, couple selfies, or any other painful reminders of the Relationship.
- The Parties are forbidden from listening to any songs associated with the relationship on Spotify or other streaming music services and broadcasting those listenings via sharing mechanisms such as, but not limited to, Facebook. This is cruel and usually just winds up getting under the other Party’s skin.
- If one Party sees the other Party on Tinder after the dissolution of the Relationship, the Parties are legally compelled to swipe right, but also legally forbidden from messaging each other.
- If one Party enters a new Relationship after the dissolution of the Parties’ Relationship, the Party must refrain from making public Venmo transactions related to the new Relationship for the six months following the dissolution of the Relationship. Nothing hits the gut like opening Venmo to pay your friend back for dinner and realizing your ex has split dinner with the same person for two weeks in a row.
- If one Party enters a new Relationship after the dissolution of the Parties’ Relationship, the Party must refrain from posting new couple selfies for half the duration of the relationship or one year, whichever is less, following the dissolution of the Relationship.
- The Parties must review their mutual friends on Facebook. If a friend is clearly the 'real' friend of one Party and not the other, that Party is expected to unfriend within a week of the dissolution of the Relationship.
The laws of the State of California will govern the interpretation of this Agreement. This Agreement may also be subject to court of upvoting on Reddit.
TERMINATION OR AMENDMENT
This Agreement may only be terminated or amended by the Parties in writing signed by both of them.
THE PARTIES HEARBY EXECUTE THIS AGREEMENT ON THE ___ DAY OF __________, 2016.
Party 1 signature
Party 2 signature
*This agreement shall not be posted to Facebook or subtweeted.