Today marked yet another Apple Event, the tech-blogger high holy day where those of us who cover technology for a living gather around to tweet snarky things about new iPhone features and/or the end of civilization.
Today's latest event was no exception, and there was plenty of news to go around. But unless you're one of those poor saps who bought an Apple Watch, you probably want to know what's up with the new iPhone.
You're craving the nuts and bolts, right? So let's give them to you.
When does the iPhone 7 come out?
You can pre-order on Friday, and the new phones will begin shipping on September 16th. As with the last couple generations there'll be a standard model and a slightly larger 7 Plus model.
What colors does it come in and how much memory does it have?
You can get them in jet black, black (the first is glossy, the second is matte), gold, silver, and rose gold (or bros' gold, if you prefer).
The memory situation is a little different this time around. Because iOS has been taking up more memory, Apple has decided to increase how much memory the iPhone has. This time around they've ditched the 16 gigabyte option, and the new models will allow for either 32, 128, or 256 GB.
Can I use my old charger for the new phone?
Yes, if you're already using the "lightning" charger from the iPhone 5 and 6, you're all set charging wise. In fact, Apple has really doubled down on the lightning cord, but more on that in a bit.
How big is it?
The iPhone 7 is 5.44 inches long and 2.64 inches wide, while the 7 Plus is 6.23 inches long and 3.07 inches wide. If those specs sound familiar, it's because they're the same size as the iPhone 6S and 6S Plus. So if those fit in your various pockets, these will too.
Will my other accessories work with the new iPhone?
For the most part, yes, but I have some bad news about your headphones. As has long been expected, Apple decided to get rid of the 3.5mm headphone jack on the new iPhones, opting instead to have audio devices connect via lightning cord (right, that same one you use to charge the phone). They call this decision "courage," while I and plenty of others call it a move to force people to buy more Apple products.
Regardless, what this means is that you'll have to either buy headphones that connect via lightning cord or use an adapter. (Apple says they're including one 3.5mm-to-lightning adapter in the box with each phone). If you were hoping to keep passing the aux cord with impunity, that just got a little more complex.
Is it better than my old iPhone???
Tricky question. The new iPhones are waterproof, which is a very nice change, and the new 7 Pluses have an extra camera on the back of the phone, next to the pre-existing one, if you're into that. It'll definitely be faster and shinier than even your iPhone 6, but if you really relish having an analog headphone jack you're gonna be disappointed. As with most upgrades, it is technically a bit better, but whether that justifies the cost is up to you.
Speaking of which, how much does the new iPhone cost?
If you pre-order from Apple the normal version starts at $649, and the plus at $769, but bear in mind that's the base price. You're also going to have to keep paying for data and anything else you currently pay your service provider for, so factor that in as well.
Anything else I should know?
The minerals that go into making these devices we all use create giant toxic lakes in China. Happy buying!
Ethan Chiel is a reporter for Fusion, writing mostly about the internet and technology. You can (and should) email him at firstname.lastname@example.org