What America Needs Now Is a Yearlong Intra-Democratic Bitch Session Rehashing 2016's Pettiest Grievances

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As our nation stares down the threat of full fascism, we look to the Democratic party to save us as only they can: by bitching at each other about some bullshit from two years ago until Donald Trump wins again by default.

Children in cages. A broken health care system. Rampant inequality. Overt racism in the Oval Office. The professional functionaries of the Democratic party know that all of these pale in comparison to the real issue which is foremost in the minds of voters: When Hillary won the primary in 2016 and Bernie went out campaigning for her across the country, what mode of transportation did he use, and can you hold a grudge about that mode of transportation for more than two entire years so that you can then leak that grudge to THE POLITICO for purely spiteful reasons long after Hillary’s political career has ended?

“I’m not shocked that while thousands of volunteers braved the heat and cold to knock on doors until their fingers bled in a desperate effort to stop Donald Trump, his Royal Majesty King Bernie Sanders would only deign to leave his plush D.C. office or his brand new second home on the lake if he was flown around on a cushy private jet like a billionaire master of the universe,” said Zac Petkanas, who was the director of rapid response for the Clinton campaign.


Yes you can.

Bernie traveled by private jet on three trips during the final months of the 2016 campaign while he was out campaigning on Hillary Clinton’s behalf and now a half-dozen former Hillary Clinton staffers are making sure that this is a thing that we can argue about in a very long and detailed story in February of 2019. Was this mode of transportation necessary for logistical reasons? Or was it not necessary for logistical reasons? Or—perhaps—this?

“You can see why she’s one of the most disliked politicians in America. She’s not nice. Her people are not nice,” [former Sanders spokesman Michael Briggs] said. “[Sanders] busted his tail to fly all over the country to talk about why it made sense to elect Hillary Clinton and the thanks that [we] get is this kind of petty stupid sniping a couple years after the fact.”

“It doesn’t make me feel good to feel this way but they’re some of the biggest assholes in American politics,” he added.


Bitter former Hillary Clinton staffers, please be sure to keep this all going long enough to poison the 2020 Democratic primary and help to reinstall Donald Trump in the White House, as you so ably did in 2016.