Warner Brothers Pictures

Hey guys, it’s almost the weekend! What are you doing? Appropriating cultures at Coachella? Buying a weird new wardrobe at your local vintage shop so people don’t think you’re a basic bitch? Maybe you’re just going to embrace the basics and see a good old American movie? But WHICH ONE? And what does it say about you? Don’t fret, young one, we’re here to tell you exactly what your movie this weekend says about you. Because, you know, we’re defined by our consumerism and all.

Transcendence

If you’re seeing "Transcendence," you probably regularly partake in or have thought about partaking in CrossFit, because you believe that trying to do the most visually impressive thing possible will in turn make you impressive. Also, maybe you thought that CNN was actually producing breaking news this past month when you saw the words “breaking news” flash across the screen. It’s ok though! We’ve all believed that things that look good on the surface and sound good on paper will be good! It’s kind of human nature in a way!

Heaven is For Real

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Hey, do you like casually crying about the good in the world? Guess you do if you’re seeing "Heaven is for Real" this weekend. You’re a good person for believing in things that are endearing and uplifting and hopeful. That’s all I have to say about that.

A Haunted House 2

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If you’re seeing "A Haunted House 2" this weekend, you know what, don’t worry that people have been telling you to grow up for years. It’s ok to be an adult who makes fart noises in public for the sake of a laugh. In fact, the world needs people like you, fart-joke makers. You balance things out. People don't always have to be nuanced and sarcastic. Sometimes the world needs more slapstick fart jokes, so you do you.

Bears

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If you’re seeing "Bears" this weekend (made by Fusion’s parent company Disney), you must be a kind, gentle soul who’s also really fun to be around. You must be the life of the party, the most popular person around, and the best person anyone knows no matter what! You must also be a great boss. We love you, Disney!

Fading Gigolo

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If you’re seeing "Fading Gigolo," you’re pretty much the kind of person who takes pleasure in being extremely uncomfortable, because why else would you want to see Woody Allen playing a guy who pimps out his friend? Seriously, why would you want to watch that? Look, the guy has made some great films, but it’s just a little too soon for Woody Allen and sex stuff, no?