We’ve all made some fucked-up meals in our time—there’s a whole Netflix show based on the practice of seeing amazing, intricate baked goods online and trying to replicate it, with horrifying results—but I’m about to show you something that isn’t just a failure, but a truly baffling abomination. Something that strikes deep in your soul as something wrong, something that should not be seen.
A since-deleted tweet by the Trump National Hudson Valley golf course revealed this sick creation:
What the fuck? Let’s analyze this.
If you’re like me, your eye was immediately drawn to Blob, the most cheerful character of this horrid assortment. Blob looks to me—admittedly extremely untrained in food preparation—a lot like a homemade mayonnaise, made with very rich egg yolks, or perhaps some kind of very thick hollandaise. I don’t know why you would serve hollandaise with the rest of these sad ingredients, but I would never object to its presence in almost any savory meal.
Not the worst corn I’ve ever seen, but not the best. Nor do I understand its relation to anything else. Would prefer if it was grilled. Not sure why it’s scattered like that around Blob. Are we perhaps looking at some sort of deconstructed Garmonbozia?
This looks like watercress to me. I don’t know why it is served in a tight bundle like that, wrapped up like a bunch of flowers. Would not eat. Would leave the leaves.
This is one of the most surreal parts of the image. Clearly, what we’re looking at is a thinly-sliced cherry or grape tomato, but why does it look like... That? Why does the glisten look like the sharpness has been turned up to 11? Why does it look sort of like anal beads?
Again, I am left very confused and with a deep sense that I’m not supposed to be looking at whatever this is. My guess is it’s some sort of thin spring roll wrapper, like a rice one, but it also looks too thick. It reminds me of the pancakes you get with crispy duck from a Chinese place in the UK. I don’t understand what taste this would add to a bundle of watercress. Are you supposed to pick up the watercress, presumably after removing the sliced tomatoes, and eat it like a burrito?
Mr. Bark, sir. Sir, I address you now, and you alone. What are you? What are you made of? Why are you here? Are you a crunchy piece of parsnip, fried into oblivion? Are you a twisted piece of baked jicama? Are you made of SOLID GOLD, in keeping with Trump aesthetics? Are you meant to be eaten? Are you meant to be here at all? Are you ok?
So, to recap: I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I do not think this is an efficient or tasty way to “eat your vegetables.” I don’t know why Trump National Hudson Valley is making memes about eating your vegetables at all, nor what black abyss they accessed to take this photo. I don’t know what the Bark is, or why I have such a strong feeling that he wants to kill me.
If any professional chefs want to shed any light on what the fuck this is, my email is email@example.com.