Disney

Guys! What are you up to this weekend? Constantly refreshing Beyonce’s Instagram feed to find out exactly WHAT IS GOING ON BETWEEN HER AND SOLANGE AND JAY Z? THE PEOPLE DESERVE THE TRUTH.

Or maybe you looked deep within your soul and realized that Beyonce’s Instagram account has no bearing on your life. And you’ve resolved to see a movie instead. But what movie will you see? And what does it say about you?

Million Dollar Arm

If you’re seeing Million Dollar Arm I feel the need to tell you one of two things: First, you will never date Jon Hamm. It won’t happen. Second, you will never be Jon Hamm. There you go. Just wanted to get that out of the way. Now, the third reason you might see this movie is if you’re a cricket fan, excited that finally a mainstream studio is somewhat profiling one of the most popular sports in the world. In which case, I’m sure you won’t be disappointed by any reductiveness or neocolonialism.

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Godzilla

If Godzilla is your movie of choice this weekend, you’re probably just one of many, many, many people hoping that something will redeem the abomination that was 1998’s Godzilla that basically was a Jurassic Park ripoff. You’re hoping it will be like when Christopher Nolan kind of redeemed 1995’s Batman Forever, at least restoring your faith in the franchise. I mean, this movie has Bryan Cranston, it has to be ok! Maybe. We hope.

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The Immigrant

If you’re seeing The Immigrant this weekend, you’re probably an old soul of sorts. As in, you long for a time when women only just started wearing skirts above their ankles, and didn’t even go to college—much less have to worry about a wage gap. That’s probably the only reason you would realistically see this period drama this weekend.

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Ai Weiwei The Fake Case

If Ai Weiwei: The Fake Case is the movie you’re seeing this weekend, you probably just saw its predecessor, Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry, and are genuinely interested in continuing to follow this story. So, there. Let’s just call a spade a spade. That’s why you would see this movie. I'm out.