Who Needs Gun Control?

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There is absolutely no reason to squander our precious national consensus and good will on the divisive issue of gun control, when instead all sides can agree to simply train terrified shopping mall Santa Clauses to rush active shooters, bravely.

The Wall Street Journal reports on the rise of a newer, more aggressive form of active shooter response training, in which your dreary, low-wage job is livened up by a cop-looking guy who tells you that you’re supposed to rush directly at the madman with the gun now.

The active-survival classes commonly teach how to build barricades, break through windows, create distractions and care for the wounded, and they have been offered at a recent convention for working Santas in Denver and at bars in Charlotte, N.C., ahead of next month’s NBA All-Star Game.


Please be aware that a failure to run directly at the crazy guy shooting will now be considered a violation of company policy.

“I had goosebumps just standing there,” said [Heather] Bodenheimer, a front-office manager [who had just been shown how to grab a semiautomatic handgun and block the slide with her hand]. “But if something like that ever happened, it helps to have that confidence that even if it didn’t end well, I did something.”

Look, you can’t expect to be given the responsibility of being a department store Santa Claus or Hampton Inn assistant manager without having to learn basic public relations skills like leaping forward to shove your fingers into a moving semi-auto slide before it can snap forward and propel a bullet through your skull. It’s 2019 and we expect our employees to be well-rounded.

The alternative is tyranny!