Who the hell is going to perform at Donald Trump's inauguration? We have some suggestions.

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We’re about six weeks away before we hand over the country to an actual Batman villain. I’m not ready, you’re probably not ready, but the Trump inauguration committee is definitely not ready. Melania still needs a dress, for one thing. But there's also the all-important question of who is going to perform tasteful musical selections for Trump and his guests.


Now, Obama already got Beyoncé to perform at his second inauguration, so we know there’s no way Trump could possibly top that, but that’s not really the issue here. The issue is finding someone to perform, period, because what kind of self respecting celebrity wants to help usher in this impending era of doom and devastation?

A couple anonymous inside sources told The Wrap that Trump’s team is “scrambling” to find someone that isn’t a total who to play the Inaugural Ball, allegedly offering to pay huge fees (which is unheard of!) or even offering government appointments (um!) to those who can seal the deal, though the Trump administration has denied engaging in such conduct.


While one source claimed that a few performers have already been booked, another claimed that Trump’s folks were in talks with Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Lee Greenwood and potentially Garth Brooks (who previously mentioned he’d do it if he were asked), but were looking for folks along the lines of Justin Timberlake or Bruno Mars. None of the performers (or the reps for the performers) have commented.

Senior adviser Kellyanne Conway has even been filmed joking (but not really) for Timberlake and/or Mars to call her, which you know is a bad sign.

So wait, who is going to do this? What are the chances they would actually do this? Let’s go through the list, shall we?

Ted Nugent
Are you fucking kidding me? The man would jump at the chance to grab his dick again for the occasion.


Lee Greenwood
As a self respecting Sri Lankan American, I have no idea who this is.

Kid Rock
Seeing as he's an artist who has a similar disdain for authority as our future president and also similarly made his career off of spouting pure gibberish, this might actually work out. I’m sure Mr. Rock would be into it given his own recent business venture of selling racist and sexist pro-Trump merch.


Garth Brooks
I mean, when asked if it was a possibility if he would perform, he said, “It’s always about serving, it’s what you do.” I don’t know what that means, but it’s probably a yes. Still, no Garth, please no.

Justin Timberlake
Just because the man made money off of some trolls doesn’t mean he’s going to do it for the Troll-in-Chief. Also, Timberlake has spent his whole career emulating black music and style, so even if he doesn’t understand what the fuck Jesse Williams’ BET Awards speech was really about, he probably does understand the furor that will come for him if he even thinks about performing.


Bruno Mars
While his political affiliations seem to lie somewhere on the inoffensive spectrum between funk-ay and fresh, the man performed at the White House last year for the Fourth of July, where Barack and Michelle Obama introduced him to the crowd. I’m going to say no.

Welp, the list has been exhausted. So here’s another list of suggestions:

  • Former Trump supporter Aaron Carter
  • Lynyrd Skynyrd
  • Richard Wagner, back from the dead
  • Futuristic Russian superstar Vitas (For our new Russian friends!)
  • A chorus of all the white people who did “Formation” covers
  • Chewbacca Mom?
  • Ja Rule (pictured above with Trump. The two met at a party the Victoria's Secret Angels hosted to celebrate the launch of their photobook Backstage Sexy.)
  • That shopping cart full of inflatable ducks
  • Tiffany Trump. Obviously.

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