Photo: Getty/AP

It’s only 59 degrees today in Washington, DC, but it seems people are as thirsty as though it was the Coachella desert and not the swamp. They’re parched! Absolutely gaspin’! They can’t get enough!

I present to you two severe cases of thirst towards a popular female singer, and ask you to judge: Who’s thirstier?

Thirst Event Number One: Sen. Bernie Sanders and Cardi B

Today, Sen. Bernie Sanders, 76, retweeted the organization Social Security Works, which had posted a quote from a GQ interview with Cardi B where she said that Franklin Roosevelt was “the real ‘Make America Great Again’ President because if it wasn’t for him, older Americans wouldn’t even get Social Security.” Cardi, Sanders said, is right.


Okay, pretty thirsty, but not outside the normal range of thirst—and Cardi is right, after all. But hours later, Sanders posted a seven second video reiterating exactly what he said hours earlier:

It’s a damn hostage video. The man’s digital staff took away his lunch and told him he can’t have any pudding until he says the words “Cardi B” on video. Let Bernie have his pudding.


Thirst Event Number Two: Various Media People and Katy Perry

Yes, this is not just one candidate, but I don’t care. They are all part of the same Thirst Event.

Earlier today, Katy Perry complained about not being able to get the physical Washington Post in her ZIP Code, a bizarre complaint for a millionaire to have:


Tell her to fuck off, in my opinion. Just read it on your damn phone like a normal person or, I don’t know, pay some guy to mail it to you.

What followed in the replies was a scene of unmitigated, unparalleled, and deeply unpleasant thirst. There was, of course, thirst from the Washington Post itself:


I gotta say, this is understandable (the customized URL code is a little much, but whatever). It’s hard to say that any one brand tweet is “good” or “bad.” They are all brand tweets, they follow their own sick logic, and must all be stopped.

But the thirst of the following reporters and editors is much less forgivable.


Thank you for supporting journalism by subscribing to the most famous newspaper in America, you really did a good one.

Actually kind of respect this one for so clearly not respecting the Post or the Times.




Zero favs zero RTs.

~The print aesthetic~


Thank you for tagging @washingtonpost so we all know you’re talking about THAT Washington Post.

Including, um, me! Teehee!


She will never holler @ you, Jason.

Okay it’s nothing to brag about you’re the fucking New York Times!!! Some famous people read u!!!!


A cup of black.

There’s literally too many to include here, but there are more if you want to find them. Don’t, though.


So, the question remains: Which example of thirstposting is worse? Whom the most parched? Is it old man Bernie, desperately reaching out to the youth by mentioning Cardi B and then doing it AGAIN three hours later, on video, in case you missed it the first time? Or is it the utterly shameful parade of desperate reporters and editors sliding into the mentions of a not particularly good singer, as if her fame personally makes them, an employee of the paper she wants to read, a celeb?

Sound off in the comments. And remember to smash that like, subscribe, and share.