It's already Sunday afternoon, so the old "card got lost in the mail" trick is going to seem definitively bullshitted if no greetings arrive by mail tomorrow. You love your mama, but you also dropped the ball — hard. Don't trip, chocolate chip. We've got the belated Mother's Day gift-guide to secure your invite to the Memorial Day cookout at the end of the month:
SHOW UP IN PERSON
This requires a fair amount of bending facts, but to be clear, she won't care. Get a ticket RIGHT NOW for tomorrow. Plane, train, bus, drive across the country — whatever. Just show up and tell her traveling was a nightmare but you're still excited to surprise her on her special day. Look how sweet/out of the doghouse you are.
EMAIL SURPRISES ALWAYS WORK
What's that? An e-gift certificate to her favorite restaurant/craft store/spa??? When you call later, make sure to say sorry for not getting her a physical card, but that you hope she checks her email because there's something special in there. Also, sorry you can't be there with her.
MAKE HER A YOUTUBE VIDEO
No, a Vine doesn't count. This needs to be at least 2-minutes of you being really sweet and performing on camera for her. She'll share it on her Facebook beneath a giant paragraph about how lucky she is to have a child so thoughtful. Bonus points if you write a song or rap Tupac's "Dear Mama" .
FLOWERS OR EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS OR SOMETHING
Blame the company for when it shows up tomorrow. It's not cheap, but at least it is a sure thing. Send it to her office to really make her feel special!
ADMIT YOU FORGOT AND BUY HER SICK TECH GEAR
Eat the cost. You were a turd for forgetting. Tell her you're sorry with expensive tech things you'll spend the rest of your life explaining to her how to use.
Akilah Hughes is a comedian, YouTuber, and staff writer and producer for Fusion's culture section. You can almost always find her waxing poetic about memes and using too many emojis. 🍕