Why spend $85 on a rock in a leather pouch when you can buy all of this great stuff for me instead?

A rock in a leather pouch that costs $85 has sold out at Nordstrom, a store that sells bras to my Aunt Diane.

Now, the thing about me is I spend money on useless shit all the time. I have an old porcelain glove mold collecting dust on my mantle. A wax bust of Abraham Lincoln rests on top of one of my dumb stacks of books. A small teacup that looks like it has a dog hiding inside of it stores rings and stray bobby pins on my night table. I want my apartment to look minimalist but with a little bit of tasteful whimsy. I get it, I really do.

And yet I would never buy this expensive rock. Never. First, because it is ugly. But also because it is a known fact that $30 is the upper limit to spend on whimsical household goods, and even that is pushing it.

But some people did buy this rock in a pouch. In fact, it sold out just one day after news of its existence went viral.

To the people who bought this rock: Why did you buy this rock? There are far better things to spend a lot of money on, and $85 is a lot of money. If you must spend $85 on something you do not need, you should know a few things first.

Did you know that $85 can buy you a bottle of really good probiotics at the grocery store? Did you even fucking know that? They’re the kind you pray and pray will go on sale—which, by the way, they almost never do, so instead you buy the $19 bottle that doesn’t even need to be refrigerated and is probably just chalk dust. But you could have bought these pH-supporting supplements at full price while still having like $30 left over to buy a rotisserie chicken and maybe even a nice candle.

Did you know that $85 can also buy you 16 oz. of tincture for adrenal health from this herbalist I know in New York? Aren’t you stressed out about the world right now? Don’t you need more bitter herbs in your diet? You could have done that instead, and you would have still had a spare $25 to put toward some sweet grass to burn. Your apartment would have smelled great, and even then you would have had another $15 to put into your savings account which you need because Social Security is going to be cut and that’s even if Paul Ryan doesn’t just privatize the whole thing. Plus you would have been dosed on Schisandra and milky oats for the next three to four months, at least.

Did you know that basically every major retail store is having a holiday sale at the moment? I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure $85 could have gone a long way at one of those, buddy.

Instead, you have, what, a great joke to make at your White Elephant party? “Wow, this is that rock from the internet!” your friend will say after unwrapping the present. “You really have your finger on the pulse of news, culture, and Twitter humor!”

And then what? Nothing. Just the same emptiness as always. And, by the way, what kind of White Elephant party are you going to where you’re spending $85? Are you the Queen of England or something?

I’m just getting started, man. I have so much advice on how to spend $85, a hefty sum of money that should never, ever be spent on a rock in a leather pouch.