World's Most Useless Person Strikes Again

This image was removed due to legal reasons.

Former Republican senator and permanent ineffectual dipshit Jeff Flake has an announcement to make: He is NOT running for president in 2020 (yawn) and will instead be joining CBS (yawn) to talk about “looking for common ground” (yawns so hard my head actually rips apart).


Flake declared his intent to make a ton of money as a paid television contributor on CBS This Morning after months of literally nobody seriously wondering whether he would actually attempt to primary President Donald Trump during the upcoming election.

Flake—whose defining image as a United States senator is when he stood in an elevator like a leathery mannequin while survivors of sexual assault shamed him—claimed that “there really isn’t a path right now that [he] can see” to run for president, but said that he still wanted someone to challenge Trump for the Republican nomination in two years.

Mustering the telegenic charisma of a moderately priced throw pillow, Flake also used his appearance to offer his first bit of paid network punditry—a soporific ode to “both sides.”

“If you even indicate that your vote might be informed by a vote that you’re holding, or an investigation that might be going on, then you anger both sides,” Flake chuckled. “Nobody wants to be in that position. I’ve lived in that position for a couple of years now and it’s not a comfortable place to be. And so, that just drives people to pick their side and pick their side early. And it’s killing deliberation.”


Truly riveting stuff, Jeff. 

Senior writer. When in doubt he'll have the soup.