AP

On Tuesday, Senator Jeff Flake of Arizona announced he will be retiring from Congress in 2019. To that I say: Bye, bitch!!!

Flake decided to announce the end to his political career in the most Jeff Flake way possible: with a grandstanding speech on the Senate floor.

Advertisement


People like to characterize Flake as a Brave Trump Resister because he wrote a book about how Trump is Bad. But in terms of real, actionable steps taken against the Trump administration, Flake is only a rung or two above Sen. Ben Sasse.

I honestly cannot remember anything—not one blessed thing—that Jeff Flake has said about Donald Trump or the Republican Party over the past two years, and it honestly does not matter, because none of it made a lick of difference in affecting the political reality we live in today.

Advertisement

Flake’s retirement announcement was classic Flake, in that it 1) drew a lot of press attention and 2) accomplished nothing to advance any of his stated political goals.


Well, Senator, if I had to guess what you will say to the next generation, it would be: “I called it quits and cashed the fuck out, baby! But not before giving a VERY strongly worded speech on the Senate floor, I’ll have you know.”

Advertisement


(John McCain: I’m sick of your shit! SHUT THE HECK UP!!!!!)

That means that most of political Washington, including Washington’s Most Easily Impressed Pundit, were blown away by the sheer bravery of Flake giving a speech that included the word “Trump”:

Advertisement


Flake is a living, breathing Third Way white paper on deficit reduction. As such, journalists and political observers inside the Beltway are rending their Brooks Brothers button-ups and Lily Pulitzer sheath dresses in anguish over his departure.

Advertisement


Here is where I remind you that if Flake wanted to actually oppose the Trump administration, as he’d like you to believe, he would stay in Congress and try to make life infinitesimally more difficult for his Republican colleagues in Congress and the White House.

Facing what would likely be a grueling re-election campaign, Flake bravely decided to quit. In doing so, he has opened up a path for a more Trumpian Republican to take his seat.

Advertisement


Jeff Flake is the type of feckless Republican whom no one will remember in 50 years, let along five. He loves to cosplay the role of Noble Hero, assailing wrongdoing on a bipartisan basis. In reality, he’s another rich white man in Congress who says he disagrees with Trump while doing precisely nothing to push back on Trump’s agenda.

Advertisement


Counterpoint: it absolutely will not!!!

But as we’ve learned, “objective” political journalists and Democrats in Congress will take any opportunity to give a nice neck rub to any of the slightly less racist members of the Republican Party, all for the love of Optics:

Advertisement


HE’S DOING HIS OWN PARTY A FAVOR, YOU FUCKING DUMMIES!!!!!

Advertisement


Joe Manchin, with all due respect—what the frick are you talking about, my guy? Are there bats in your belfry, my dude???

Oh, by the way: Remember how Flake went to a desert island with his two teenage sons in 2013 as a sort of Man Vs. Wild challenge? And remember how BuzzFeed discovered that Flake’s then 15-year-old son, Tanner, used the moniker “n1ggerkiller” for online gaming, and called people “faggots” and Mexicans the “scum of the earth”? Yep!!!

Advertisement


According to his Instagram, Tanner (who now apparently goes by “Elder”) is now a Mormon missionary in Namibia. Good for him!

So, bye Jeff Flake, enjoy your retirement, I guess. Work on your tan. Keep growing out that healthy head of hair. Get really into wearing ~*~*funky socks*~*~ with your golf shoes. Visit your son in Namibia to check in and see if he’s less racist now. If you want, you can get really into watching Jeopardy! every day, like my dad did after he retired.

Here’s to riding out the rest of your days in the Senate in style: coasting on unearned respect from people who should really know better by now. Goodbye forever!!!!!!!