Seems like a certain generation wasn’t scolded properly when they were kids—and now we’re all paying the price. Thankfully, not as high a price as those same kids are paying—for something so outrageous I can barely bring myself to describe it!
Look, there’s nothing wrong with having a pet. Teaches responsibility, not to mention “love” and physical protection from intruders. But these “millennials”—now they’re taking it too far. Big surprise! According to the New York Post, the official newsletter of the United States Institute of Demography, millennials these days are paying almost $500 to get a picture of their pet embroidered on a sweater that they wear proudly around town. Just as past generations had to deal with the threat of crazed youth “sock hop” frenzies, so too must we now be alert for millennials reeling drunkenly around major metropolitan areas, swaddled in disgustingly luxurious sweaters emblazoned with the visages of small dogs.
“When I turned the sweater around and saw Gidget in the back I definitely started crying,” says [Matt Finkle, a] 38-year-old hospitality manager. “I wear it once a week. My co-workers call it my lucky sweater.”
Have you no shame sir? My disgust knows no bounds.
I can already hear the cries: “Media bias! You don’t understand our ‘special’ generation.” Don’t I? Have I indulged in baseless stereotyping? I think now. I will be the first to say that “not all millennials” are credulous, profligate drains on society. Some millennials are busy ensuring the future of the Akron Antiquarian Book Show.
Can’t you be more like them—the good ones?